Ever Heard of IFS?

I have been fascinated with psychology for as long as I can remember. Whether the goal is self help, or just self awareness; discovering the reasons people do what they do is endlessly interesting to me. (I'll confess, I often find the way people's minds and emotions work to be more interesting than the actual people themselves. Too much self disclosure?)

There are many healing/ psychotherapy modalities that I personally find useful in terms of working on my middos. And while I know for a fact that there are others out there who find these topics as interesting as I do, (shout out to those who have chosen to spend their entire professional lives in the mental health field), there have been very few people I’ve felt comfortable enough with to really dive into these specific self-growth tools—because that’s what they truly are—even though I would love to discuss them. I think this may be because by its very nature, this type of work is very, very close to who a person is and it’s instinctively not something that we freely share with just anyone. 

Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you are probably familiar with some of these terms and techniques. Everybody and their mother knows about triggers and trauma (maybe everyone is familiar with triggers and trauma because of their mothers; just kidding mom:)), and many beautiful groups are up and running by both professional and non professionals alike (the latter ones less beautiful than the former, but I’ll save that for another post). The truth is that as we move closer and closer to the times of Mashiach, we find ourselves as a community much more open to the new tools that are arising in order to facilitate the national and individual healing that needs to happen. 

One specific genre of psychotherapy that I have found life changing just by understanding it, is IFS, or Internal Family Systems. It is a model created by Dr. Barry Schwartz (his father was Jewish) in the 1980’s, and has slowly been gaining traction. What is most remarkable to me is twofold. First, just understanding the actual system (which is one of the least complicated systems of understanding your own self that I have come across), has allowed me to actually identify what is going on inside me when I act in ways that don’t serve me well, and second, that this man has somehow been m’chavein to something that the Torah, specifically through chassidus, has been talking about for years. IFS takes this Torah knowledge and gives it ‘handles’ so that the average person can use it- often even using the same language that the Torah does! Without a doubt, this is information that Hashem in his kindness is the One releasing to us at this time.

So here we go! Find a quiet place to take this all in, because it’s so enlightening:

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a way of understanding and working with your own mind and emotions. IFS suggests that you have different "parts" inside you, similar to how a family has various members with their own personalities and needs. These parts represent different aspects of your personality and emotions. In Torah terms, these parts would be the middos that arise whenever a person is triggered and reacts strongly.

For example, the average person has all of the following parts:

Manager Parts- These are the proactive parts of your persona that try to keep things organized, safe, and under control. For example:

• The "Responsible" part that makes sure you meet your work deadlines, or that supper isn’t Tradition soups four nights in a row.

• The "Cautious" part that advises you to think carefully before making decisions like sending your child off to a summer camp you know nothing about.

• The “People Pleasing” part that makes sure everyone is happy with you-- and worries when they aren’t.

• The “Over Functioning” part that feels like as long as it is producing, it has value, but the second it stops something terrible will happen.

Everyone has different types of manager parts inside of them. Not everyone manages their lives by having an overfunctioning part, for example. Many people manage by having a “chiller part”- an attitude of “it will all work out fine, no reason to sweat it”....but we all have our parts, without a doubt. 

With me so far? Are you able to actually identify three or four parts of yourself? Let’s go deeper. 

We also have other parts, parts that Dr. Schwartz calls Exile Parts: (this even uses the same lashon as the Ba’al Tanya uses for our da’as b’galus, when our true self is exiled! More about that later). These are often wounded or vulnerable parts of us that carry painful memories or emotions. I think of them as my black and blue marks that I’ve learned to  protect at all costs. I am not often aware of them (they are, after all, in exile), but I recognize that often the reason  I panic in certain scenarios is because an exile is triggered. For example:

• The "Hurt Child" part that holds onto past emotional wounds.

• The "Insecure Teen" part that feels self-doubt and low self-esteem.

• The “Abandoned Child” part that feels like no one cares or knows that he even exists.

Which brings us to the Firefighter Parts: These are parts that react quickly when an Exile part is triggered to soothe or distract us from the pain. Their one job is to make sure that the Exile parts do not suffer, and they will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen. Windows may get smashed, diets may get thrown to the wayside, family members may get hurt, but if the Exiled are left alone, the Firefighter parts have done their job. So if an exile is in danger we may scream at a loved one, or distract ourselves by watching things we know are wrong or do any of an endless list of self defeating behaviors.(This is what chazal mean when they say a person doesn’t sin unless he has been taken over by a ruach shtus. A firefighter part has literally taken over!). For example:

• The "Pleasure-Seeker" part that indulges in way too much comfort food when feeling sad, to the point where you are nauseous.

• The "Angry Protector" part that emerges when someone criticizes you, and causes you to lash out defensively.

But wait, there’s more!!

Underneath all of this is the most important part of all. 

Self. The innermost layer of who you really are.

 Here it is people, this is where things get really good. This is the neshama, our core self! The Self is the calm, connected, courageous, curious, confident, clear and compassionate part of you that can help manage and heal the other parts.

The goal of IFS therapy is to help these internal parts work together harmoniously, under the guidance of the Self. It's like bringing peace to a family by addressing each member's needs and concerns. When your Self is driving the bus, you’re deeply aligned. But you can only do that by recognizing, understanding and dialoguing with whatever part is showing up for you at that time, in order to gently lead them to take a seat at the back of the bus and let go of the steering wheel. 

Yes, I’ve completely oversimplified a really sophisticated process. But the process doesn’t have to be complicated, and I find it can really lead to a lot of self awareness and personal growth.

 This entire system lines up so unbelievably perfectly with the kabbalastic model that we have from the Arizal. The Arizal often speaks about the different partzufim- parts!- that each of us have inside of us. (Please note that I have never obviously learned the Arizal myself. I am speaking from my most basic understanding of these ideas as brought down in much more accessible writings such as those by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan etc). These parts, according to Kabbalah, are even referred to by their family names: there’s an Aba, an Ima, the son and the daughter….and then there is our central, guiding soul - known as Da’as- leading the way. I remember hearing from Rebbbitzen Tamar Taback that even the word Da’as is from Da: really knowing, understanding. And when you read it backwards it spells Eid: the compassionate witness of our middos, the core self waiting for you to return to its emes. 

To me this explains so much. So often I look back on things that I’ve done that go against everything I believe in: speaking lashon harah, acting way too harshly with a child, overreacting when confronted by someone. And I am genuinely confused how I can prevent it from happening again. But by gently -gently!- exploring which part came up for me, and what  it was trying to protect, and how I can heal on a deeper level….to me this is the tikkun that we were born to do. This is true Teshuva- coming home to our truest selves.

Does this resonate with anyone? Have any of you ever had any experience with this? I truly love all of the therapists out there, but it seems to me that we can do some pretty powerful work with this on our own! With Elul now upon us, it seems like a pretty important time for some self awareness tools.

(As an aside: I would love some feedback about whether or not you enjoy this type of post. Too psychological? Too long? I know the rage is short and shorter soundbites these days, but some concepts deserve more than just a hot minute….)

All the best and thanks for making it to the end!

Mrs. Aliza Feder