Give Your Future Self a Break

I came across a piece in Michtav M’Eliyahu speaking about something that I think about often, and I took it as a sign that I should share it. So let’s learn through this together.

Rav Dessler opens with a statement that "a person needs to make sure that the ikkur of his avodas Hashem takes place in the present." Honestly, I could have stopped right there and learned so much.

There are so many layers to this idea. One is the challenge of dealing honestly with the reality of where we are, as opposed to where we imagine ourselves to be. Sometimes we become attached to a version of ourselves that exists mostly in our aspirations (or our past self, who was living under very different circumstances). We think we are "holding by" a certain madrigah when, in actuality, we are nowhere near it. Being real with the avoda that we can handle and is appropriate for us, being honest with what, as a dear friend says often, ‘what Hashem wants from me right now’, is crucial. 

Rav Dessler explains another dimension as well. Often a person becomes preoccupied with his future avodah. He spends so much time thinking about who he will become, what he will accomplish, and what lofty spiritual goals he will one day achieve, that the future becomes a convenient distraction from dealing with the person he actually is right now.

But then Rav Dessler takes the discussion in a fascinating different direction.

Imagine a man who suffers from a mental illness. Most of the time he functions normally and makes sound decisions. Occasionally, however, he experiences episodes in which his judgment becomes severely impaired. The healthy version of himself knows that when those episodes arrive, he may make choices that could destroy everything he has built.

So what does he do?

When business is going well, he arranges for much of his money to be transferred into an account controlled by a trusted friend. He leaves clear instructions about when his friend should listen to him and when he should be ignored. He recognizes that there will be moments when he cannot trust the judgment of his future self, and therefore he creates safeguards while he is healthy.

Rav Dessler says that our spiritual lives are not so different.

Our ruchniyus is constantly fluctuating. Constantly. We can wake up inspired, motivated, and clear-headed, only to come crashing down after a difficult interaction, a sleepless night or a stressful week. Or all three.

One day we are making sincere commitments. We decide that from now on we will: Daven brachos from a siddur! Stop scrolling before bed!  Go for a walk every morning! Spend one on one time with each child!

Then three weeks later, (or the next day), our exhausted self looks back at those commitments and thinks, "What exactly was she thinking?"

The inspired woman who made those decisions feels almost like a different person.

This, perhaps, is one aspect of Chazal's warning: Al ta'amin b'atzmecha ad yom moscha—do not assume your spiritual standing is permanently secure. Human beings are not static. We experience clarity and confusion. We have moments when our higher selves are firmly in the driver's seat, and moments when they are nowhere to be found.

The question is: what can we do to protect our healthy self from our exausted self?

What can we do to preserve the gains we make during moments of clarity so that they survive the inevitable moments of weakness?

The answer is to build systems, not just intentions. Because- say it with me- if it’s a priority, it’s in your planner.

When you are feeling motivated, don't simply make a commitment. Put something in place that will help carry you through when the motivation disappears. I am not talking about taking on a ‘kabbalah’ to preserve inspiration. I am talking about structuring your life to help yourself.

If you want to say brachos with more kavanah, leave a bentcher or siddur on the kitchen counter where you make your coffee.

If you want to exercise in the morning, get a walking partner or place your sneakers at the foot of your bed the night before.

If you want to learn regularly, arrange a chavrusa. A commitment to another person often survives long after a commitment to ourselves has faded.

If you want to reduce phone use, remove tempting apps while you are in a strong place. Don't assume you'll be able to resist them later through sheer willpower (shout out to my first tech cohort-- I miss our sessions!).

If you know that Friday afternoons are stressful and often lead to impatience, prepare extra food on Thursday, simplify your menu, or build in a quiet ten-minute buffer before candle lighting.

The point is not that we lack self-control. The point is that we are human.

Many of us secretly assume that our future selves will be as motivated, energetic, inspired, and disciplined as we are right now. Experience suggests otherwise.

A wiser approach is to assume that future-you may be tired. She may be overwhelmed. She may be suffering from annoying seasonal allergies and want to renege on every single positive commitment she ever made in her life. She may not feel like doing any of the things that matter most.

And so present-you needs to leave her gifts.

• A prepared breakfast.

• A pre-scheduled learning session.

• A blocked app.

• A reminder card.

• A supportive friend.

• A simplified commitment.

In other words, we need to stop expecting our future selves to be superheroes and start building lives that account for ordinary human weakness.

Perhaps that is what it means to make our avodas Hashem take place in the present. Not merely to serve Hashem today, but to use today's moments of clarity to lovingly guide tomorrow's version of ourselves.

Because tomorrow's self may need the help. Can you let me know what YOU do for your future selves? I would love to hear and share the helpful ideas! 

Wishing us all: our past, present and future selves, a great week!

Mrs. Aliza Feder

PS- I have not found the text of Michtav M’Eliyahu anywhere online for me to cut and paste sections for you in this source part. Here is where you can find it to learn it through: 

מכתב מאליהו, חלק ה, שמירת ההווה 

It’s a good one.