Self Care

Why self care makes me roll my eyes 

At the risk of getting a ton of unsympathetic feedback – which might be kind of fun in its own way – I’d like to make the statement that none of us really work as hard or get as stressed about Pesach preparations as our mother’s generation did. I am also acutely aware of the fact that I am speaking (writing) to a huge age spectrum, so your mother’s age is relative. I stand by my statement though. I’m not sure why this is. It could be that over the years we have become more  clear about the halachos, and what exactly constitutes chometz. It could be that we just don’t have the bandwidth for so much extra stress in our lives as they are already chock-full. Could be we have better cleaning help. Most likely, it could simply be that we have less yiras Hashem overall. But whatever the case is, most of the people in my circle don’t get white knuckled or that crazed look in the eye when this time of year approaches. We make endless lists, and we definitely organize and clean, but I’m just pretty sure we don’t get as overwhelmed as the previous generations did. 

That said, it’s still not a walk in the park for anybody. And so, as this time of year gets closer, I’d like to stop for a minute to talk about self-care. Get your oxygen mask on first so that you’re better able to serve others, blah blah blah, and all that stuff. There’s something about all of that type of talk that makes my skin crawl. To be quite frank, it just does not sound very hashkofically sound to me and I think I know why. While there is an amount of self care which is truly essential, there is also definitely an amount which just becomes a guise for selfishness. The self-care that I have an issue with is the general type that is bandied about as an excuse to give oneself treats for no specific reason other than: you’re worth it! Which, by the way, you are- but no more worth it than the next person whose needs you are justifying denying because ‘you come first’. 

No, that’s not the self care I think we are supposed to be pursuing. By all means, get the manicure and the coffee out with a friend if you would like (I’m a huge fan of the latter), but I do not believe that either one done in a vacuum is going to feed you in such a deep and fundamental way that it justifies leaving a baby with a sitter or trading that in for a chessed opportunity which will leave you dividends l’netzach. (Warning: don’t stop reading now or you will be left with the wrong impression.)  I think real self care is setting up and maintaining a life that can preserve your true sense of self as a spiritual, emotionally healthy, physically taken care of tzelem elokim. Self care does not mean giving yourself treats, although coffee with friends and a manicure can be part of it. It means literally taking care of your social, emotional and spiritual self, and ensuring that care is present at all times of your life. 

So sit down and take an honest look at your life. Life coaches have something called a ‘wheel of life’ balance sheet which you can see online by googling it. It splits your life into different categories like family, health, job, spirituality, friends, hobbies, etc., and then you shade in the overall details in each area in order to assess where you are out of balance. For our purposes, I think it is simpler to use the three categories above. When you take an honest look at your life, how is your avodas Hashem doing? (Obviously, all three areas of your life are part of your avodas Hashem, but right now I’m referring specifically to the ‘religious’ parts that we are used to thinking about as avodas Hashem.) Do you feel like you are growing, connected, knowledgeable and inspired in your frum life? And if not, what can you put into your life schedule to help (because if it’s not in your planner, then it’s clearly not a priority). Are you still too busy to squeeze in a tefillah every day, or has your life calmed down and it’s time to reassess? Can you say a couple of extra perakim of tehillim for the matzov in EY? Can you set up a 5 minutes a week chavrusah to learn basic halacha (reach out for book recommendations). Can you schedule a shiur every rosh chodesh? Depending on the imbalance you find, there are so many actionable things that can be done to address it. These little tweaks don’t have to take up much time, and they will make a measurable difference in your ruchnius.

Are you emotionally healthy? Do your family relationships need some more time or attention? Do you have a friend or two to share your thoughts with on an ongoing basis? Do you give yourself the time and space to address some of the feelings that we all deal with daily for reflection and processing? Are you generally happy, and if not, are there small things you can put into place that would help?

And physically; are you taking care to nurture the body that Hashem gave you?  What does that mean to you? Is it healthy eating, exercise and prioritizing sleep, or when you take an authentic look at yourself, do you find that you need a different level of nurturing to feel physically calm and happy- a latte, fresh flowers or other small indulgence?

These things do not happen by themselves. Much of the overwhelm that high school alumni feel comes from suddenly finding themselves in charge of their spiritual, emotional- and sometimes even physical- health. There are no more built in peer groups, torah classes and healthy prepared dinners and stocked cabinets (ask me which most adults miss the most). 

The more you can set up your life to include constant reflection and improvements in these three areas, the more your self-care will be taken care of; because it’s included in the way you live your life. There is no need to consume an entire chocolate cake or constant splurges as a last ditch attempt to quickly make yourself feel better so that you don't lose it when the kids come home. The point is that your whole life is designed in a way that you have naturally put the pieces in place to keep yourself balanced. Will this always work? Of course not. There will be sick kids, moves, family simchos and changes in the workplace that take you out of sync. In addition, at every different stage in your life you will need to go back to the drawing board and revisit what would bring you back into balance. This is actually something you will need to be relentless about if you truly value a life of self care. You will need to determine what it is that you, as a unique individual, want, crave- and yes, need- in your life.

But this is certainly a great start. 

What are the consistent parts of your life that help you stay in balance?

All the best, 

Mrs. Aliza Feder