What You're Supposed to Be Doing Now
Apr 22, 2026Happy back to routine everyone!!
The Nisivos Shalom speaks about how the Yom Tov of Pesach, in and of itself, is an incomplete chag (not something one is thrilled to hear after all the cleaning, cooking, serving, celebrating and then putting it all away). As a matter of fact, he points out the fact that there is no directive to be b’simcha on this chag the way there is on the other regalim of Succos and Shavuos. This is because again, the Yom Tov of Pesach can’t be considered a stand alone celebration. Without the goal- which is matan torah, our z’man cheirusainu wouldn’t mean much. Yetzias Mitzrayim is a beginning, not a culmination.
In that light, the weeks between Pesach and Shavuos are not simply “in-between time.” They are a structured process: a gradual shedding of Mitzrayim and a steady movement toward purpose. Even the word Sefirah implies refinement and purification.
Chazal give this period a very specific focus. They tell us that the 转诇诪讬讚讬诐 of Rabbi Akiva died because they did not treat one another with proper respect. This is difficult to understand; these were people deeply committed to Torah and growth. The deficiency was not in their learning, but in how they related to each other.
At the same time, Chazal describe Matan Torah as a moment when 讻诇诇 讬砖专讗诇 stood “讻讗讬砖 讗讞讚 讘诇讘 讗讞讚”—as one, with a unified heart. Torah was not given to individuals who happened to be gathered together; it was given to a people who had achieved a level of unity.
Placed side by side, these two ideas clarify the 注讘讜讚讛 of Sefirah. If a lack of interpersonal respect can undermine a generation of Torah, and unity is a prerequisite for receiving it, then this period naturally calls for a focus on 讘讬谉 讗讚诐 诇讞讘专讜.
And this works out really nicely for me. For a while, I’ve been wanting to write about something, but have been hesitating because part of me feels like it’s not sophisticated or novel enough. But it’s real, important, and true and learning it in a certain way really transformed the mitzvah for me. So now, with the above in mind, it’s a perfect time for me to revisit Ahavas Yisroel in a more practical, grounded way.
Here’s how this started for me: a number of years ago, I was listening to a shiur on shmiras halashon (a topic close to my heart). The speaker quoted something he heard from Rav Avraham Pam while he was sitting shiva for his wife. Many people were expressing awe that the Rebbetzin had never spoken lashon hara. Rav Pam said that he wasn’t really nispael from this. What was really impressive, Rav Pam explained, was this: the gadlus of the Rebbetzin was not that she never spoke the lashon hara-- it was that she never thought anything bad about another Jew to begin with!!!
Lightbulb moment for me. I know we’ve heard versions of this before, and I can't really explain why it hit home for me at that moment in such a visceral way. But suddenly it truly landed: the problem isn’t lashon hara- the problem is a lack of ahavas yisroel!! Because by the time the lashon hara is in your head, and then your mouth-- it’s too late! At that point of the process, it takes so much awareness, and then self control not to say the thing! It’s kind of like (WARNING: graphic, gross mashal ahead, skip to the next paragraph if you’re queasy) swallowing vomit that’s already in your mouth.
This realization also highlighted something else. We’ve all been hearing about ahavas yisroel for years. We know that 讻诇 讬砖专讗诇 注专讘讬诐 讝讛 诇讝讛. We know about being more patient, kind, seeing past externalities….Meaning: we often speak about Ahavas Yisroel in general terms, but like other mitzvos, it has defined parameters. There’s nothing general about it. And I have found that the more we familiarize ourselves with those halachos, the easier it is to find ourselves having a real, felt sense of love for our fellow Jews. It’s doable and exciting to really see a measurable difference in our Ahavas Yisroel (and therefore in our shmiras halashon)!
With that in mind, here’s what I would like to do: I would like to share 7 ‘do these’, and 3 ‘stay far from these’. It’s a ten point instruction manual to ahavas yisroel, based on the Rambam in hilchos da’os (6,3), and the sefer hachinuch (243). It’s too long for one newsletter post, so I’ll introduce one idea here and continue in the next, so stay tuned.
Number one is the most fun, and the easiest, in my opinion. It’s this:
- SPEAK WELL OF FELLOW JEWS.
You know how sometimes you come back from somewhere and you say things like: ‘uch it was terrible, there was this guy there- totally Jewish with his yamulka and tzitzis hanging out and he was being so rude to the lady behind the counter, it was so embarrassing and what a chillul Hashem etc, etc, etc….’
Now technically, you wouldn’t think this is lashon hara, and you may be right- after all, how would anyone figure out who in the world you were speaking about! BUT…. just no. Hard no. Why in the world would you go around spreading bad things about fellow Jews?!?
Instead try this: ‘Oh my gosh it was the cutest thing in the whole world, we were at that mall/park/place and there was this frum family with like 7 kids under 5 and they were all so well behaved and the parents were just being so amazingly patient’....You’ll see- it’s so much more fun! And you don’t need to limit your stories to anonymous Jews- even better, say nice things about people you know! Tell your mother something nice about your neighbor, tell your husband something (positive) that you noticed about one of your kids, tell your workmates about your amazing sister in law-- according to the Ramban this is a mitzvah!!
Words are not ephemeral or inconsequential. They shape the world we experience. When someone tells you that a person is “annoying” or “socially off,” notice how a previously neutral individual can suddenly start to feel annoying and socially off. The description creates a lens, and the lens becomes reality. The reverse is also true: when we consistently speak well of others, we begin to see them differently—and we help others see them differently as well.
If Pesach begins the process of becoming a free people, and Sefirah refines us into a united one, then these small, deliberate choices are not peripheral. They are part of how we move from one to the other. They quietly shape the kind of community we create, and the kind of people we become within it.
In the next post, I’ll continue with the remaining “do’s” and “don’ts,” and develop this into a more complete, practical approach to Ahavas Yisroel—something that can be learned, applied, and, over time, genuinely felt.
Try it- it’s fun!
With much love:),
Mrs. Aliza Feder
PS- share this newsletter with anyone interested in spreading Ahavas Yisroel….and stay tuned for the continuation of practical application!
PPS- I would love to start attaching some sources to the things I write about, for those of you who enjoy some more in depth learning:). So here we go:
Rambam hilchos da’os, 6,3
诪执爪职讜指讛 注址诇 讻旨指诇 讗指讚指诐 诇侄讗直讛止讘 讗侄转 讻旨指诇 讗侄讞指讚 讜职讗侄讞指讚 诪执讬旨执砖讉职专指讗值诇 讻旨职讙讜旨驻讜止 砖讈侄谞旨侄讗直诪址专 (讜讬拽专讗 讬讟 讬讞) "讜职讗指讛址讘职转旨指 诇职专值注植讱指 讻旨指诪讜止讱指". 诇职驻执讬讻指讱职 爪指专执讬讱职 诇职住址驻旨值专 讘旨职砖讈执讘职讞讜止 讜职诇指讞讜旨住 注址诇 诪指诪讜止谞讜止 讻旨址讗植砖讈侄专 讛讜旨讗 讞指住 注址诇 诪指诪讜止谉 注址爪职诪讜止 讜职专讜止爪侄讛 讘旨执讻职讘讜止讚 注址爪职诪讜止. 讜职讛址诪旨执转职讻旨址讘旨值讚 讘旨执拽职诇讜止谉 讞植讘值专讜止 讗值讬谉 诇讜止 讞值诇侄拽 诇指注讜止诇指诐 讛址讘旨指讗:
Each man is commanded to love each and every one of Israel as himself as [Leviticus 19:18] states: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Therefore, one should speak the praises of [others] and show concern for their money just as he is concerned with his own money and seeks his own honor.
Whoever gains honor through the degradation of a colleague does not have a share in the world to come.
Sefer Hachinuch, 243
诪执爪职讜址转 讗址讛植讘址转 讬执砖讉职专指讗值诇 – 诇侄讗直讛止讘 讻旨指诇 讗侄讞指讚 诪执讬旨执砖讉职专指讗值诇 讗址讛植讘址转 谞侄驻侄砖讈, 讻旨职诇讜止诪址专 砖讈侄谞旨址讞职诪止诇 注址诇 讬执砖讉职专指讗值诇 讜职注址诇 诪指诪讜止谞讜止 讻旨职诪讜止 砖讈侄讗指讚指诐 讞讜止诪值诇 注址诇 注址爪职诪讜止 讜旨诪指诪讜止谞讜止, 砖讈侄谞旨侄讗直诪址专 (讜讬拽专讗 讬讟 讬讞) 讜职讗指讛址讘职转旨指 诇职专值注植讱指 讻旨指诪讜止讱指. 讜职讗指诪职专讜旨 讝执讻职专讜止谞指诐 诇执讘职专指讻指讛 (砖讘转 诇讗 讗) 讚旨址注植诇指讱职 住职谞执讬 诇职讞址讘职专指讱职 诇指讗 转旨址注植讘值讚. 讜职讗指诪职专讜旨 讘旨址住旨执驻职专指讗 (拽讚讜砖讬诐 讚 讬讘) 讗指诪址专 专址讘旨执讬 注植拽执讬讘指讗 讝侄讛 讻旨职诇指诇 讙旨指讚讜止诇 讘旨址转旨讜止专指讛, 讻旨职诇讜止诪址专, 砖讈侄讛址专职讘旨值讛 诪执爪职讜止转 砖讈侄讘旨址转旨讜止专指讛 转旨职诇讜旨讬讜止转 讘旨职讻指讱职, 砖讈侄讛指讗讜止讛值讘 讞植讘值专讜止 讻旨职谞址驻职砖讈讜止 诇止讗 讬执讙职谞止讘 诪指诪讜止谞讜止 讜职诇止讗 讬执谞职讗址祝 讗侄转 讗执砖讈职转旨讜止, 讜职诇止讗 讬讜止谞值讛讜旨 讘旨职诪指诪讜止谉 讜职诇止讗 讘旨执讚职讘指专执讬诐, 讜职诇止讗 讬址住旨执讬讙 讙旨职讘讜旨诇讜止, 讜职诇止讗 讬址讝旨执讬拽 诇讜止 讘旨职砖讈讜旨诐 爪址讚, 讜职讻值谉 讻旨址诪旨指讛 诪执爪职讜止转 讗植讞值专讜止转 转旨职诇讜旨讬讜止转 讘旨指讝侄讛. 讬指讚讜旨注址 [讙旨指诇讜旨讬] 讛址讚旨指讘指专 诇职讻指诇 讘旨侄谉 讚旨址注址转
讜职讚执讬谞值讬 诪执爪职讜指讛 讝讜止, 讻旨职诇讜旨诇执讬诐 讛值诐 讘旨职转讜止讱职 讛址诪旨执爪职讜指讛, 砖讈侄讻旨职诇址诇 讛址讻旨止诇 讛讜旨讗 砖讈侄讬旨执转职谞址讛值讙 讛指讗指讚指诐 注执诐 讞植讘值专讜止 讻旨职诪讜止 砖讈侄讬旨执转职谞址讛值讙 注执诐 注址爪职诪讜止 诇执砖讈职诪止专 诪指诪讜止谞讜止 讜旨诇职讛址专职讞执讬拽 诪执诪旨侄谞旨讜旨 讻旨指诇 谞侄讝侄拽. 讜职讗执诐 讬职住址驻旨值专 注指诇指讬讜 讚旨职讘指专执讬诐 讬职住址驻旨职专值诐 诇职砖讈侄讘址讞 讜职讬指讞讜旨住 注址诇 讻旨职讘讜止讚讜止 讜职诇止讗 讬执转职讻旨址讘旨值讚 讘旨执拽职诇讜止谞讜止, 讜旨讻职诪讜止 砖讈侄讗指诪职专讜旨 讝执讻职专讜止谞指诐 诇执讘职专指讻指讛 (讬专讜砖诇诪讬 讞讙讬讙讛 驻"讘 讛"讗) 讛址诪旨执转职讻旨址讘旨值讚 讘旨执拽职诇讜止谉 讞植讘值专讜止 讗值讬谉 诇讜止 讞值诇侄拽 诇指注讜止诇指诐 讛址讘旨指讗, 讜职讛址诪旨执转职谞址讛值讙 注执诐 讞植讘值专讜止 讚旨侄专侄讱职 讗址讛植讘指讛 讜职砖讈指诇讜止诐 讜职专值注讜旨转 讜旨诪职讘址拽旨值砖讈 转旨讜止注址诇职转旨指诐 讜职砖讉指诪值讞址 讘旨职讟讜旨讘指诐 注指诇指讬讜 讛址讻旨指转讜旨讘 讗讜止诪值专 (讬砖注讬讛讜 诪讟 讙): 讬执砖讉职专指讗值诇 讗植砖讈侄专 讘旨职讱指 讗侄转职驻旨指讗指专
