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On My Mind

Mrs. Aliza Feder's Newsletter

In the last installment of On My Mind, we were talking about the fact that the Nefesh Habihamis (there were no better spelling suggestions, so I’m sticking with that wonky looking one) is the stronger force, but the Nefesh Elokis is the smarter one. This explains something that has always bothered me. Despite the fact that countless sources assure us that our REAL self is our neshama and the selfish, defensive, materialistic version is just our ego’s attempts to block out our divine core, my personal reality never really lined up with that.

In other words, my default mode always seems to be the irritable, petty one. Striving to be the more positive, kind self always seems to take so much effort. But if that’s who I truly am, shouldn’t it be just a bit easier to access? Would the struggle be so relentless if my shiny, angelic self was right there, just straining to be heard and expressed?

When I learned this truth, it resonated in such a deep way. Our core is, and always will be, the chelek eloka m’maal (there’s the wonky spelling again). But that doesn’t- and probably won’t ever to a certain extent- change the fact that our default mode is to devolve and express ourselves through our nefesh b’hamis each and every time. That will always be the easier, more automatic route; not because it's the most ‘us’, but because Hashem designed us to be operating from this animal body (see Maharal’s pshat on the word ‘Adam’: half from the root adama, dirt and the other from adame- as in adame l’elokim. Not to be confused by edamame, which is entirely unrelated). 

The key is to remember this: Our default mode of reactivity will make our day easier and possibly even make us feel better for the short term.  Eat the sugar, stay on the couch, stew in resentment. But rising above the default mode to your spiritual self, will make our lives better in every single way.   

There is so much to say on this topic, but I want to circle back to my last newsletter. The fact that a person’s desires will always be unfairly bent toward whatever the body wants instinctively at that moment, and also the fact that a person’s nefesh elokis will have the advantage of being smarter and capable of planning and outsmarting/training it, means that we have several responsibilities to consider. Firstly, we must know ourselves and our weak points and, secondly, we must plan for the battle. 

One of the reasons why we read Parshas Ki Teitzei during Elul (don’t blink because it’s around the corner…) is because on a deeper level the pesukim that speak about waging war with our enemies are also speaking about the larger battle we need to be waging with the yetzer harah.

I wanted to give some examples of plans and techniques that could work in battling with, or using the vocabulary of another mashal, training and controlling your yetzer harah not through force, but through nothing more sophisticated than a little advance planning. But then I realized that the things that work for me wouldn’t necessarily work for you because it depends on so many factors, not the least of which include your individual personality type or the area you are choosing to work on.

That said, some things that work for me which you can adapt and adopt to your own situation are:

1- get very specific about what it is you want to work on. The Yetzer Horah loves general ideas like “I really need to work on my davening”, or “I'm going to be more careful about shmiras halashon”. Take a couple of minutes to sit down and identify exactly what is keeping you stuck, or which area you need to look at more closely. Is there a specific person, scenario, or time of day you keep falling? Target that.

2- Our bodies are easily bribed. Use the fact that we like good food and pretty objects to bribe your nefesh hab’hamis into submission. We are never too old for star charts and prizes if we up the ante appropriately. 

3- The opposite is also true. Just like an animal can be trained by applying slight punishments for misbehaviors, so can our bodies. Telling the people around you that you will give them a dollar every time they catch you using a word you would like to stop using, or not making a brocha out loud, is surprisingly effective. Again, adopt and adapt for your own use.

Product recommendation: the book Battle Plans, by Sara Yocheved Rigler and Tziporah Heller is a must read. It brings dozens of different ideas of how to fight the yetzer horah, sourced in different mussar sefarim. It is easily applicable to so many different situations and I found it extremely relatable and well written.

Are there any tactics or ideas that you’ve found helpful to train your own nefesh ha’bihamis? I would love to hear from you and I find that when we pool our resources, we are that much stronger. I would love to be able to pull together a list of tried and true tactics we have used as a group so that I can send that out come Elul time…

Happy Animal Training!

Mrs. Aliza Feder