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On My Mind

Mrs. Aliza Feder's Newsletter

One of the first lessons I teach my students is something I call The Game of Life. Without going into too much detail, it is essentially (what I hope is) a novel way of presenting a pretty basic concept. There are some people who go through life spending their time and energy on things like amassing money, good looks, shiny talents etc, because of a somewhat subconscious belief that their worth is tied up in these things. These people are playing “Game A”. And then there are those who have the same game board, but are playing “Game B”. They know, and more importantly their actions reflect the fact, that they are working and giving attention to their middos development as well as their relationship with Hashem because those are really the only things that count. Same game board. Same daily routine, challenges and schedules- but two different point systems. 

We talk about the differences between the two Games, which go beyond the obvious, and we talk about what makes Game B so difficult to stay focused on. We talk about the people who say they are playing Game B, who may even have themselves convinced they are playing Game B, but on further reflection are clearly playing the wrong game. It’s always an interesting lesson, and it provides the foundation and vocabulary for the next few years of learning.

There is something they quickly realize though. Or, at least, they should realize once they grow a bit more mature and sophisticated in their frumkeit. The issues of Game A and B are not as easily understood or practiced as a young teen would think. It goes way beyond the idea that materialism=bad and spirituality=good. We all know people who just use spiritual growth as a means to their own self glorification, and others who on the surface seem to have lots of nice ‘stuff’ but that is not what their lives or headspace revolve around. Of course, this whole conversation is missing a crucial yesod of ‘kedushas hachomer’: the idea that as Jews, we take the material world very seriously. We do not renounce gashmius, we uplift it, thereby turning it into something holy.

And things get even more complicated. An analogy I give my twelfth graders is something I actually heard from a high end florist. He told me that the key to picture perfect foliage is to take the highest quality flowers out there, and then mix them with fake flowers. The false blooms are reliably saturated and perfectly full, and the authentic ones give the whole look credibility. To me, that was a perfect example of what happens when things get a little cloudy. Am I setting this gorgeous tablescape l’chvod shabbos, or l’chvod myself? How much money becomes too much, even if it’s being used to celebrate a simcha? L’shem shamayim and l’shem my own pleasure are so easily kept separated until we begin to mix the two.

There are absolutely no easy answers. There are also only individual decisions because this is such a personal issue that requires such honest, unique soul searching for every eved Hashem. It becomes very clear though that the lessons of Game A and Game B are much less simple than they seemed in tenth grade. The line dividing the mall and the shul isn’t a vertical one separating the two, like we thought. It’s actually a horizontal line across both worlds, separating the people in both the mall and the shul on the most shallow level, and those below, mining the depths. (This is a complicated concept to explain non verbally. Email me if you would like more explanation on this :)). 

Swimming in the waters of olam hazeh is not optional for the vast majority of us. I don’t believe it’s something that most of us- any of us!- should or can be mochel on. Materialism is a tool, can be a joy, and is supposed to be used. But it is becoming increasingly more difficult to swim in the waters without sinking into spiritual suicide. One can justify only so many designer names, housewares, matching kids’ outfits, vacations, simcha expenses; not to mention hair extensions, teeth bleaching, diet preoccupations, laser treatments and the like before we wake up one morning and realize we actually do not have one free dollar or moment to spend on our avodas Hashem. 

Swim, don’t sink. Sometimes I feel as though the single deciding factor of any decision I need to make is: what game is this going to help me play? Am I swimming, or sinking?

It’s a tough call. Curious to hear your thoughts.

-Mrs. Feder

PS- the Game of Life class can be accessed here.