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On My Mind

Mrs. Aliza Feder's Newsletter

A few weeks ago (raise your hand if it feels like a year), we knew exactly what we wanted. Standing in shul on Rosh Hashanah, saying the vidui on Yom Kippur, we could see the person we wanted to become, and we meant it. More patient, more present, less caught up in our phones, more thoughtful about our tefillah, more careful with our brochos. Now that the sukkah is packed away, the machzorim are back on the shelf, and the weather has turned, I’ve been wondering how it is that Yamim Noraim feel simultaneously like they happened yesterday, and also a lifetime ago.

There are people who will tell you that Yom Kippur is their favorite day of the year, or that they look forward to Rosh Hashanah more than almost anything else. Sometimes even very young people say this, which can seem surprising. What exactly is so compelling about fasting or standing in shul for hours? Of course, there are many answers, but I think part of the unique joy of the Yamim Noraim is the clarity we experience during them.

The Metzudas David, explaining the pasuk “מאור עינים ישמח לב,” writes, “אין בעולם שמחה כהתרת הספקות”—there is no joy in the world like resolving doubts. I think there is something of that joy in those moments when our desires become clear. For at least a brief period, we know exactly what we want. We want to be close to Hashem, to become the people we know we can become. The many other things that usually pull us in different directions lose some of their urgency, and there is something very liberating about feeling that all of us are facing in the same direction. I remember receiving an email erev Yom Kippur along the lines of ‘don’t miss out’ about a clothing store sale and I actually laughed out loud.

Then ordinary life resumes, and suddenly I want so many different things again. I still want closeness to Hashem, but I also want a quiet house, a pretty outfit, a little entertainment, and for everyone to cooperate with our plans. I want to become more patient, but I also want the children to stop interrupting me. I want to be less attached to my screen, but I also want to check what I missed. The clarity I experienced in shul now has to find its place among all the other desires that have become very compelling again. (This newsletter has suddenly veered to the uncomfortable personal. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume I am speaking for all of us. Just me? That’s awkward).

Perhaps that is part of what makes this month after Yom Tov so confusing. We still remember how clearly we wanted to change, and we assume that such a sincere ratzon should carry us forward. When it doesn’t, we wonder whether the whole experience was less real than we thought. But maybe we really did want those things, and still do; we are only now discovering how many other things we want alongside them.

For some of us, the kabbalah is actually going well. We chose something small and specific enough that it actually found a place in our ordinary lives. (See the newsletter on this topic here.)  But for others, especially when the decision was a more general “I’m going to be more patient” or “I’m going to use my phone less” , we may already be wondering what happened. I wanted this so much. Why am I still doing the same things?

There are several possible answers, but I want to think about one that we don’t always consider, partly because it’s a slightly uncomfortable question to ask ourselves: Do I actually want what I said I wanted?

My immediate response would probably be, “Of course I do! I was there when I decided it!” And that may be entirely true. But perhaps the question needs another few words: What else do I want, and what happens when those wants meet?

I want to be patient with my children, but I also want to lie on the couch for twenty minutes without anyone needing anything from me. I want to spend less time on WhatsApp, but I also want to know what everyone is talking about, see the pictures, and have something entertaining to look at when the day feels tedious. I want to dress in a more tzanuah way, but I also want to look current and cool. I want to respond calmly when someone criticizes me, but I also very much want her to understand that she is wrong.

All of these wants can exist inside the same person. The woman who wanted to become more patient on Yom Kippur was sincere, and so is the woman who wants everyone to leave her alone on a Tuesday afternoon. The difficulty is that on Yom Kippur, we were considering one of those desires. On Tuesday afternoon, we encountered the other.

The Mesillas Yesharim describes this very concretely when discussing what interferes with zerizus. He says: Someone who expects their meals to remain leisurely, their sleep uninterrupted, and their activities arranged entirely around their convenience will find it difficult to act when a mitzvah requires disrupting any of those things. 

The application to our kabbalos is uncomfortable but useful: maybe I want to change, while also expecting that change to leave all my other preferences intact.

This is where birur haratzon, clarifying our desires, becomes important. When I say that I want to be more patient, what am I picturing? A version of myself who feels peaceful because the children are cooperating? Or am I also willing to practice patience when they interrupt me, misunderstand me, or take much longer than I think they should? When I say that I want to use my phone less, am I willing to miss something? To leave a message unanswered for a while? To experience a few unfilled minutes without immediately reaching for something to occupy them? I want my husband to learn an extra seder, I really do, but when Sunday rolls around am I willing to take on the day without his help or company?

Sometimes we want the result very much, but discover that we have barely considered what getting there will ask of us. I’m reminded of the famous quote of Rav Yisroel Salantar: ‘Everyone wants to finish shas. But they want to learn it all in one night, and they also want to sleep’.

And sometimes, if we’re honest, what we want most is to want it. I wish tefillah mattered more to me. I wish I didn’t care so much about being right. I wish being present with my family felt more compelling than checking my messages. That is also something worth recognizing, because it gives us a much more accurate place from which to begin our avodah.

Rabbeinu Yonah, explaining “עשה רצונו כרצונך,” writes that we should do Hashem’s will with the desire and eagerness with which we pursue our own wishes. There is avodah involved in developing the wanting itself, in bringing our hearts closer to what we already understand is important. Knowing that something matters and feeling drawn toward it don’t always arrive together.

Of course, needing a nap doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my children, and struggling with a kabbalah doesn’t prove that my ratzon was insincere. We have real needs, limited energy, habits, and circumstances that make change difficult. But alongside all of that, there may be a competing desire that I haven’t acknowledged, and until I acknowledge it, I keep being surprised when it wins.

So maybe we can revisit one of our kabbalos with a little more curiosity. I wanted to change this. What do I want at the moment when I don’t follow through? What am I reluctant to give up? And what small part of that am I willing to loosen my hold on?

If I notice that I reach for my phone because I want a break, I can think about a break that will actually refresh me. If I notice that my impatience comes partly from insisting that everything happen on my timetable, I have something specific to work on beyond the general instruction to “be nicer.” If I notice that I am less careful about the band on my shaitel slipping back because I prefer how it looks that way, I can acknowledge that looking a certain way matters to me too and think honestly about what I am willing to give up for the tznius I said I wanted.

The ratzon we felt during the Yamim Noraim can still guide us now. Bringing it into ordinary life means getting to know the other things we want too and slowly learning to choose among them.

I’d love to hear what this brings up for you. Is there something you sincerely want to change, alongside another desire that makes that change difficult? You’re welcome to reply; I suspect many of us will recognize ourselves in each other’s answers. Fill in this sentence: “I really know that I want __________, but it’s so hard because I realize that I also want _____________”. 

Mrs. Aliza Feder

PS- attaching the sources; the Sifsei Chaim is a really beautiful one.

1.

  . מסילת ישרים, פרק ט׳ — בביאור מפסידי הזריזות וההרחקה מהם, פסקאות א׳–ג׳

הנה מפסידי הזריזות, הם הם מגדילי העצלה. והגדול שבכולם, הוא בקשת המנוחה הגופנית ושנאת הטורח ואהבת העידונים בתשלום כל תנאיהם.

כי הנה אדם כזה, ודאי שתכבד עליו העבודה לפני בוראו כובד גדול. כי מי שירצה לאכול אכילותיו בכל הישוב והמנוחה, ולישון שנתו בלא טורד, וימאן ללכת אם לא לאטו, וכיוצא בדברים כאלה, הנה יקשה עליו להשכים לבתי כנסיות בבוקר, או לקצר בסעודתו מפני תפלת המנחה בין הערבים, או לצאת לדבר מצוה אם לא יהיה העת ברור, כל שכן למהר עצמו לדברי מצוה או לתלמוד תורה.

ומי שמרגיל עצמו למנהגות האלה, איננו אדון בעצמו לעשות היפך זה כשירצה, כי כבר נאסר רצונו במאסר ההרגל הנעשה טבע שני.

2.

רבינו יונה על אבות ב׳:ד׳ — ד״ה ״עשה רצונו כרצונך” 

Includes a nice example of exactly how to do this in practice

הוא היה אומר עשה רצונו כרצונך. כאשר האדם עושה רצון עצמו בחפץ ובתאוה כן יעשה לו רצון הקב״ה. ולא להפריד רצון הקב״ה ית׳ ורצונו אך לעשות שניהם דבר אחד. ר״ל שלא יהיה לו רצון כי אם דבר שהוא לרצון לפני ה׳. ואמרו באבות דר׳ נתן וכן בדוד הוא אומר (ד״ה א׳ כ״ט י״ד) כי ממך הכל ומידך נתנו לך. ונתן עצה לבני אדם להתגבר על טבעם לעשות כחפץ ורצון השם ית׳ גם בממונם ובקנינם כי ה׳ נתן הכל ופקדון הוא בידם. ובהעלות אל לבו זה על כל פנים יעשה מהפקדון רצון הבעלים שהוא הקב״ה ובזה לא ידאג בתתו לצדקה ויעשה רצונו כרצון הקב״ה ברצון ובטוב לבב

3.

Sifsei Chaim on Parshas Noach

כח הרצון יוצא לפועל כאשר ההתאחדות לצורך הכלל

אמנם לאמיתו של דבר מדוע לא היה בכח אחדותם להוציא את הרצון אל הפועל, כי אחדותם לא היתה אמיתית, יש אחדות שהיא שותפות להשתתף להוציא לפועל ע״י כוחות משותפים (ועי״ז יותר חזקים) לתועלת הפרטית של כל אחד, כדוגמת כנופית שציריה את בנין ״אהבו את הגזל... ואהבו זה את זה״ (פסחים קיג:), ויש התאחדות שכל אחד רואה עצמו רק כחלק מן הכלל השלם, ורק כשהוא חלק מהכלל הוא יכול למלאות את תפקידו בשלימות

עיקר עבודתנו הוא טיפוח הרצון לטוב, שילך ויתחזק ולברר את הרצון מתערובת כל רע, וכך כתב חוה״ל (שער הבטחון פ״ד) ״כי הבורא יתברך הניח ברשותנו בחירת עבודתו והמרותו לא הניח ברשותנו השלמת המעשה בעבודה ובעבירה״, עיקר חלקו ומעלתו של האדם היא רק הבחירה בטוב דהיינו הרצון אבל ההוצאה לפועל אפילו בעניני יראה הוא מהקב״ה, אבל ודאי כל עוד שאין זה רצון חזק אצל האדם להוציא לפועל, אינו מקבל את הסיי״ד להוציא לפועל את רצונו