One Size Fits None

Dear Friends,

Here’s a thought: I’m pretty sure we would all agree that if there was a room of fifty post-sem girls and they were asked what they’re looking for in a shidduch, we would hear the same basic answers repeated again and again. The same buzzwords. The same checklist. I don’t know if I feel worse for the poor girls stammering through the anemic description trying to sound unique, or the shadchanim trying to force them into a more specific, less generic, description.

Isn’t that a little odd?

Fifty different neshamos, fifty different upbringings, personalities, strengths, struggles, and dreams—and yet, one standard description. When everyone is saying the same thing, it’s worth asking whether these answers reflect true inner clarity, or whether we’ve simply absorbed a message about what we’re supposed to want.

And that points to a deeper issue.

When there is only one accepted  model of  what “proper” Avodas Hashem looks like, it is entirely possible—inevitable, even—that it won’t genuinely resonate with many girls. Or worse, that it will resonate only externally, while internally something feels off, forced, or quietly discouraging.

Avodas Hashem was never meant to be one size fits all.

Chazal teach us that just as no two faces are the same, no two souls are the same. Each person is meant to serve Hashem through the particular lenses He gave her:  her nature, her life experiences, her emotional makeup, and her challenges. Someone shared with me a powerful line that expresses this idea.
“No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.”

Two people can be exposed to the same shiur, the same hashkafah, the same inspiration—and walk away with completely different inner takeaways. That difference is not a deficiency. It is the design.

Sometimes women tell me that they struggle with the fact that their husbands express a different standard than they desire or see a need for in their own lives. Maybe it’s more of an interest in certain types of vacations, or a little ‘more’ in terms of a house, or what type of car they drive. They struggle with this, even though they know they shouldn’t ‘look down’ on their husbands. They truly do respect them in so many areas, but in this particular trait….they feel a little disappointed. And that’s unsettling. 

These women are missing a crucial hashkofic truth. 

One person’s need or appreciation for certain tools, structures, or approaches does not mean they are less than—it simply means they are different. We all begin with different struggles, different emotional wiring, and different starting points. Avodas Hashem is not measured by how closely you resemble someone else, but by how honestly and responsibly you serve Hashem from where you are. In this case, an appreciation for certain gashmius things, or standards, is perfectly okay, as long as it doesn’t symbolize a preoccupation with them (see my Game of Life newsletter).

Along these lines, I recently learned through a beautiful Shiurei Da’as (Section פַּלֵּס מַעְגַּל רַגְלֶךָ)  that emphasized the necessity of recognizing one’s individual needs and level in Avodas Hashem—and being honest about which approach will actually be most beneficial. Not mindlessly copying the next person just because it looks more right or more impressive, but choosing a derech that leads to genuine growth and connection.

When we ignore this truth, we create confusion and quiet pain. Sincere, idealistic girls (and women!) begin to wonder why their Avodas Hashem feels heavy, why they don’t quite fit into the mold, or why they feel unseen or disconnected despite trying so hard to “do it right.” Often, the issue isn’t a lack of sincerity—it’s a lack of permission to discover their own derech.

This is precisely why I love the Authentic Avodas Hashem course. It’s designed to help us move beyond imitation and into ownership—to understand ourselves, recognize our unique spiritual makeup, and build a real, living relationship with Hashem that is authentic, grounded, and sustainable.

Hashem does not need replicas.
He wants you.

All the best,
Mrs. Aliza Feder