The Question I Didn't Know What To Do With
๐ฉ๐ผโ๐ซ
On My Mind
Mrs. Aliza Feder's Newsletter
What Makes a Jewish Life Jewish?
A young mother recently sent me a question that I've been asked many times. She described herself as being in a stage of life where she doesn't feel particularly connected to ruchniyus. Between raising children, running a home, and the general busyness of life, she doesn't learn very much, her tefillah feels inconsistent, and she isn't actively working on herself in the way she once imagined she would.
But then, she continued the question with a comment that caught me completely off guard.
As a very growth-oriented and motivated person, I think that even if "middos" and "mitzvos" weren't concepts, I'd try to work on being a better wife, mother, and human being. I would take good care of my kids and run my home like a normal wife and mother. Which makes me wonder how I'm that different (besides for the inherent value of avodas Hashem!) from a good, caring non-Jewish wife/mother. It makes me feel like spiritually I'm settling for the bare bare minimum (aka whatever everyday life naturally offers). Again, of course I work on my middos and I try to be the best wife/mother/human I can be. Just based on my nature, I imagine I'd be pretty much the exact same even if yiddishkeit wasn't behind it all.
You and others have reminded me that this is my avodah. This is my yiddishkeit. But when you're saying not to settle for the minimum, how can I gauge if I'm falling into that or not?
I found myself staring at the screen for a long time.
Not because I didnโt have an answer. I do. But some things feel so self-evident to me that I actually donโt know if I can articulate it. That said, I am a firm believer in โif you canโt explain it, you donโt understand itโ (#teachertruths).
There are actually a few different points here. As I read her words, my original reaction was very much the โืืื ืืื ืืขืชโ tune that we keep coming back to when we speak about this topic. Yes, every season of our lives is going to have a particular flavor which will dictate our avodas Hashem at that time. And there will be a time- I promise!- for the more structured (and measurable and therefore maybe more gratifying) approach of learning, breaking down middos, brainstorming kabbalos etc. Right now, while juggling a lack of sleep with the myriad of details of sippy cup comparisons and toilet trailing, is not that time.
But the part asking how she is different than a non-Jewish counterpartโฆ I need to confess- Iโm having a lot of trouble answering this question because Iโm not seeing it. Whatโs the difference between her and this hypothetical mommy? Whatโs the same?!
I turned the question over in my mind, and I found myself thinking about something men say every time they finish a masechta:
ืืึนืึดืื ืึฒื ึทืึฐื ืึผ ืึฐึผืคึธื ึถืืึธ ื' ืึฑืึนืึตืื ืึผ ืึตืืึนืึตื ืึฒืืึนืชึตืื ืึผ ืฉึถืืฉึทึผืืึฐืชึธึผ ืึถืึฐืงึตื ืึผ ืึดืึผืึนืฉึฐืืึตื ืึตึผืืช ืึทืึดึผืึฐืจึธืฉื, ืึฐืึนื ืฉึทืืึฐืชึธึผ ืึถืึฐืงึตื ืึผ ืึดืึผืึนืฉึฐืืึตื ืงึฐืจึธื ืึนืช. ืฉึถืืึธื ืึผ ืึทืฉึฐืืึดึผืืึดืื ืึฐืึตื ืึทืฉึฐืืึดึผืืึดืื. ืึธื ืึผ ืึทืฉึฐืืึดึผืืึดืื ืึฐืึดืึฐืจึตื ืชืึนืจึธื ืึฐืึตื ืึทืฉึฐืืึดึผืืึดืื ืึดืึฐืึธืจึดืื ืึฐึผืึตืึดืื. ืึธื ืึผ ืขึฒืึตืึดืื ืึฐืึตื ืขึฒืึตืึดืื. ืึธื ืึผ ืขึฒืึตืึดืื ืึผืึฐืงึทืึฐึผืึดืื ืฉึธืืึธืจ ืึฐืึตื ืขึฒืึตืึดืื ืึฐืึตืื ึธื ืึฐืงึทืึฐึผืึดืื ืฉึธืืึธืจ. ืึธื ืึผ ืจึธืฆึดืื ืึฐืึตื ืจึธืฆึดืื. ืึธื ืึผ ืจึธืฆึดืื ืึฐืึทืึตึผื ืึธืขืึนืึธื ืึทืึธึผื, ืึฐืึตื ืจึธืฆึดืื ืึดืึฐืึตืจ ืฉึทืืึทืช. ืฉึถืื ึถึผืึฑืึทืจ: ืึฐืึทืชึธึผื ืึฑืึนืึดืื ืชึผืึนืจึดืึตื ืึดืึฐืึตืจ ืฉึทืืึทืช ืึทื ึฐืฉึตืื ืึธืึดืื ืึผืึดืจึฐืึธื ืึนื ืึถืึฑืฆืึผ ืึฐืึตืืึถื ืึทืึฒื ึดื ืึถืึฐืึทื ืึธึผืึฐ
"We wake up early, and they wake up early. We work hard, and they work hard.
We run, and they run."
I've always found those lines interesting.
Why doesn't the Hadran contrast Torah with ordinary life? Why doesn't it say, "We learn Torah and they go to work," or "We spend our days in mitzvos while they spend theirs pursuing physical pleasures"? There are so many obvious, huge differences.
Instead, Chazal deliberately compare two groups of people who appear to be doing exactly the same things.
Everyone wakes up. Everyone works. Everyone runs.
The difference, they tell us, is not in the activity itself. It is in what that activity is directed toward.
And that, I think, is the beginning of the answer to the question.
There are many wonderful people in the world who are devoted spouses, loving parents, generous neighbors, and ethical human beings. Judaism has never claimed otherwise. But the Jewish life is not defined simply by what we do. It is defined by who we are.
A mother can prepare supper because she loves her children. A Jewish mother certainly does that too. But if she is living as an eved Hashem, there is another layer quietly running beneath the surface. She is feeding these children because Hashem entrusted them to her. She is creating a home because this is the tafkid He gave her. She is choosing patienceโnot only because it is good parenting, but because at this moment, patience is Hashem's ratzon.
From the outside, the two lives can look remarkably similar. From the inside, they are profoundly different.
The Bas Ayin, one of the primary students of the Maggid Mโ Mezeritch has a beautiful explanation that I once learned on Chazal's famous statement, "ืืืื ืืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื ืืืชืจ ืืื ืฉืืื ื ืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื" We often understand this to mean that fulfilling an obligation is psychologically more difficult than volunteering, and therefore deserves greater reward. Let someone suggest you tidy up, and watch how fast you would rather do anything else but that. But the Bas Ayin suggests something deeper. He explains that when a person acts because he was commanded by Hashem, the act itself becomes spiritually transformed. It isn't merely another good deed. The command connects that ordinary physical action to something eternal, drawing down a different kind of shefa into the world.
The action may look identical. Its spiritual reality is completely different.
I also found myself thinking that this young mother forgot something I taught her in tenth grade when we learned about Ichud Hashem. We explained that this โunity of Hashemโ can also be an instruction as to how to serve Hashem. Avodas Hashem can not be an addition to our lives. There cannot be work, family, friendships, grocery shopping, carpools and laundryโand then, if we are fortunate, also Torah, tefillah, and spiritual growth.
Yiddishkeit was never meant to work that way. Avodas Hashem isn't another category of life-- itโs the context that gives every other category its meaning.
That doesn't mean every moment feels inspiring. It certainly doesn't mean every diaper change or grocery run is accompanied by lofty thoughts. (I distinctly remember being decidedly under impressed when hearing my repeated sweeping of my kitchen floor being compared to the avodah of the Kohein Gadol in the bais hamikdash. True? Yes. Helpful? Not for me, no). It does mean, however, that beneath all of those ordinary moments lies a quiet question that gives them their direction:
Hashem, what do You want from me right now?
Listen carefully: being an eved Hashem means one thing: asking ourselves, again and again, โwhat does Hashem want from me right nowโ? Right now, with these people, in this house, with this level of income and sleep and free time, what does He want from me now. And while the mitzvos will always dictate the framework of our lives, that question determines the song within the framework. That is not the bare minimum. It is the minimum, and the maximum, and all of the work in between.
So sometimes the answer is to learn. Sometimes it is to daven. Sometimes it is to apologize. Sometimes it is to put away the phone and give someone your full attention.
And sometimes it is simply to fold another basket of laundry with love because, today, that basket happens to be your avodas Hashem.
And thatโs one of the things that the Hadran is teaching us. We wake up early just like everyone else. We work just like everyone else. We spend our days running from one responsibility to the next just like everyone else. Yet every one of those familiar activities is a part of something infinitely larger when they are rooted in the will of the Ribbono Shel Olam.
That, I think, is the difference. The difference is not necessarily what fills our days. It is Who gives those days their meaning.
Thinking of all of the amazing women out there serving Hashem through different ages and stages,
Mrs. Aliza Feder
PS. We all know women who are quietly wondering whether they're "doing enough" in their avodas Hashem. If someone came to mind while you were reading this, send it her way!
PPS. If this question resonates with you, I think you'd enjoy my course Authentic Avodas Hashem, where we spend six weeks exploring exactly this idea: how to discover Hashem's unique expectation of you and learn to find Him in the ordinary moments of life, not only the extraordinary ones.
PPPS Want to hear more about the class on Ichud Hashem? The teen series is geared toward teens and totally appropriate for all ages.
PPPPS (I think Iโve officially exceeded my limitโฆ.)
ืืื ืงืื ืืดื ื:ืืดื
ืืืื ืืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื ืืืชืจ ืืื ืฉืืื ื ืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื:
ืืช ืขืื, ื ืฆืืื ืืดื
ืื ืืืืจ ืืชื ื ืฆืืื ืืืื ืืืืื ืืื' ืคื ืืฉ ืืื ืฉืืจืฉ ืคืจื ืจืืฉ ืืืขื ื ืืื' ืืืื ืืฉืืขื ืืช ืืืจื ืืื' ืืืชืืจื ืืืืื ืืืืจ ืืื' ืื ืืืื ืืื' ืืืืจื ืื ืืืืื ืืื' (ืื ื - ืื). ืืกืคืจ ืืืจ ืืืืื ืืงืฉื, ืฉืืืจืื ืื ืืฉืืข ืืช ืืืจื ืืืื ืืืื ืืืชืืจื ืืืืื ืืืืืจ. ืืชืืจืฅ ืฉืขื ืืื ืื ืื ืืงืืื ืืฉืืืขื ืืืืืื ื ืืืื ืืื' ืขืื"ืฉ. ืื ืืฉ ืืืงืืง ืืคืกืืง ืืืืจื ืื ืืืืื ืขื ืื ืขืฉื ืืื', ืฉืืืืืจื ืืื ืื ืืืื, ืืื ืืื ืจืืืื ืฉืขืืืืื ืขืฅ ืืืื ืืืื ืืงืฉื ืืขืื ืืื. ืืืืืื ื"ื ืื ื ืืืจื ืื"ื (ื"ืง ืื.) ืืืื ืืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื ืืื ืฉืืื ื ืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื, ืฉืืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื ืืืฉืื ืืืชืจ ืฉืคืข ืืืืขืื ืขื ืืื ืขืฉืืืชื ืืื ืฉืืื ื ืืฆืืื ืืขืืฉื
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