What You're Supposed to Be Doing Now

Happy back to routine everyone!!

The Nisivos Shalom speaks about how the Yom Tov of Pesach, in and of itself, is an incomplete chag (not something one is thrilled to hear after all the cleaning, cooking, serving, celebrating and then putting it all away). As a matter of fact, he points out the fact that there is no directive to be b’simcha on this chag the way there is on the other regalim of Succos and Shavuos. This is because again, the Yom Tov of Pesach can’t be considered a stand alone celebration. Without the goal- which is matan torah, our z’man cheirusainu wouldn’t mean much. Yetzias Mitzrayim is a beginning, not a culmination.

In that light, the weeks between Pesach and Shavuos are not simply “in-between time.” They are a structured process: a gradual shedding of Mitzrayim and a steady movement toward purpose. Even the word Sefirah implies refinement and purification.

Chazal give this period a very specific focus. They tell us that the תלמידים of Rabbi Akiva died because they did not treat one another with proper respect. This is difficult to understand; these were people deeply committed to Torah and growth. The deficiency was not in their learning, but in how they related to each other.

At the same time, Chazal describe Matan Torah as a moment when כלל ישראל stood “כאיש אחד בלב אחד”—as one, with a unified heart. Torah was not given to individuals who happened to be gathered together; it was given to a people who had achieved a level of unity.

Placed side by side, these two ideas clarify the עבודה of Sefirah. If a lack of interpersonal respect can undermine a generation of Torah, and unity is a prerequisite for receiving it, then this period naturally calls for a focus on בין אדם לחברו.

And this works out really nicely for me. For a while, I’ve been wanting to write about something, but have been hesitating because part of me feels like it’s not sophisticated or novel enough. But it’s real, important, and true and learning it in a certain way really transformed the mitzvah for me. So now, with the above in mind, it’s a perfect time for me to revisit Ahavas Yisroel in a more practical, grounded way.

Here’s how this started for me: a number of years ago, I was listening to a shiur on shmiras halashon (a topic close to my heart). The speaker quoted something he heard from Rav Avraham Pam while he was sitting shiva for his wife. Many people were expressing awe that the Rebbetzin had never spoken lashon hara. Rav Pam said that he wasn’t really nispael from this. What was really impressive, Rav Pam explained, was this: the gadlus of the Rebbetzin was not that she never spoke the lashon hara-- it was that she never thought anything bad about another Jew to begin with!!!

Lightbulb moment for me. I know we’ve heard versions of this before, and I can't really explain why it hit home for me at that moment in such a visceral way. But suddenly it truly landed: the problem isn’t lashon hara- the problem is a lack of ahavas yisroel!! Because by the time the lashon hara is in your head, and then your mouth-- it’s too late! At that point of the process, it takes so much awareness, and then self control not to say the thing! It’s kind of like (WARNING: graphic, gross mashal ahead, skip to the next paragraph if you’re queasy) swallowing vomit that’s already in your mouth. 

This realization also highlighted something else. We’ve all been hearing about ahavas yisroel for years. We know that כל ישראל ערבים זה לזה. We know about being more patient, kind, seeing past externalities….Meaning: we often speak about Ahavas Yisroel in general terms, but like other mitzvos, it has defined parameters. There’s nothing general about it. And I have found that the more we familiarize ourselves with those halachos, the easier it is to find ourselves having  a real, felt sense of love for our fellow Jews. It’s doable and exciting to really see a measurable difference in our Ahavas Yisroel (and therefore in our shmiras halashon)!

With that in mind, here’s what I would like to do:  I would like to share 7 ‘do these’, and 3 ‘stay far from these’. It’s a ten point instruction manual to ahavas yisroel, based on the Rambam in hilchos da’os (6,3), and the sefer hachinuch (243). It’s too long for one newsletter post, so I’ll introduce one idea here and continue in the next, so stay tuned.

Number one is the most fun, and the easiest, in my opinion. It’s this:

1. SPEAK WELL OF FELLOW JEWS. 

You know how sometimes you come back from somewhere and you say things like:  ‘uch it was terrible, there was this guy there- totally Jewish with his yamulka and tzitzis hanging out and he was being so rude to the lady behind the counter, it was so embarrassing and what a chillul Hashem etc, etc, etc….’ 

Now technically, you wouldn’t think this is lashon hara, and you may be right- after all, how would anyone figure out who in the world you were speaking about! BUT…. just no. Hard no. Why in the world would you go around spreading bad things about fellow Jews?!? 

Instead try this: ‘Oh my gosh it was the cutest thing in the whole world, we were at that mall/park/place and there was this frum family with like 7 kids under 5 and they were all so well behaved and the parents were just being so amazingly patient’....You’ll see- it’s so much more fun! And you don’t need to limit your stories to anonymous Jews- even better, say nice things about people you know! Tell your mother something nice about your neighbor, tell your husband something (positive) that you noticed about one of your kids, tell your workmates about your amazing sister in law-- according to the Ramban this is a mitzvah!!

Words are not ephemeral or inconsequential. They shape the world we experience. When someone tells you that a person is “annoying” or “socially off,” notice how a previously neutral individual can suddenly start to feel annoying and socially off. The description creates a lens, and the lens becomes reality. The reverse is also true: when we consistently speak well of others, we begin to see them differently—and we help others see them differently as well.

If Pesach begins the process of becoming a free people, and Sefirah refines us into a united one, then these small, deliberate choices are not peripheral. They are part of how we move from one to the other. They quietly shape the kind of community we create, and the kind of people we become within it.

In the next post, I’ll continue with the remaining “do’s” and “don’ts,” and develop this into a more complete, practical approach to Ahavas Yisroel—something that can be learned, applied, and, over time, genuinely felt.

Try it- it’s fun!

With much love:),

Mrs. Aliza Feder

PS- share this newsletter with anyone interested in spreading Ahavas Yisroel….and stay tuned for the continuation of practical application!

PPS- I would love to start attaching some sources to the things I write about, for those of you who enjoy some more in depth learning:). So here we go:

Rambam hilchos da’os, 6,3

מִצְוָה עַל כָּל אָדָם לֶאֱהֹב אֶת כָּל אֶחָד וְאֶחָד מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל כְּגוּפוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יח) "וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ". לְפִיכָךְ צָרִיךְ לְסַפֵּר בְּשִׁבְחוֹ וְלָחוּס עַל מָמוֹנוֹ כַּאֲשֶׁר הוּא חָס עַל מָמוֹן עַצְמוֹ וְרוֹצֶה בִּכְבוֹד עַצְמוֹ. וְהַמִּתְכַּבֵּד בִּקְלוֹן חֲבֵרוֹ אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא: 

Each man is commanded to love each and every one of Israel as himself as [Leviticus 19:18] states: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Therefore, one should speak the praises of [others] and show concern for their money just as he is concerned with his own money and seeks his own honor.

Whoever gains honor through the degradation of a colleague does not have a share in the world to come.

Sefer Hachinuch, 243

מִצְוַת אַהֲבַת יִשְׂרָאֵל – לֶאֱהֹב כָּל אֶחָד מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל אַהֲבַת נֶפֶשׁ, כְּלוֹמַר שֶׁנַּחְמֹל עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל וְעַל מָמוֹנוֹ כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָדָם חוֹמֵל עַל עַצְמוֹ וּמָמוֹנוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יח) וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ. וְאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (שבת לא א) דַּעֲלָךְ סְנִי לְחַבְרָךְ לָא תַּעֲבֵד. וְאָמְרוּ בַּסִּפְרָא (קדושים ד יב) אָמַר רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא זֶה כְּלָל גָּדוֹל בַּתּוֹרָה, כְּלוֹמַר, שֶׁהַרְבֵּה מִצְוֹת שֶׁבַּתּוֹרָה תְּלוּיוֹת בְּכָךְ, שֶׁהָאוֹהֵב חֲבֵרוֹ כְּנַפְשׁוֹ לֹא יִגְנֹב מָמוֹנוֹ וְלֹא יִנְאַף אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ, וְלֹא יוֹנֵהוּ בְּמָמוֹן וְלֹא בִּדְבָרִים, וְלֹא יַסִּיג גְּבוּלוֹ, וְלֹא יַזִּיק לוֹ בְּשׁוּם צַד, וְכֵן כַּמָּה מִצְוֹת אֲחֵרוֹת תְּלוּיוֹת בָּזֶה. יָדוּעַ [גָּלוּי] הַדָּבָר לְכָל בֶּן דַּעַת

וְדִינֵי מִצְוָה זוֹ, כְּלוּלִים הֵם בְּתוֹךְ הַמִּצְוָה, שֶׁכְּלַל הַכֹּל הוּא שֶׁיִּתְנַהֵג הָאָדָם עִם חֲבֵרוֹ כְּמוֹ שֶׁיִּתְנַהֵג עִם עַצְמוֹ לִשְׁמֹר מָמוֹנוֹ וּלְהַרְחִיק מִמֶּנּוּ כָּל נֶזֶק. וְאִם יְסַפֵּר עָלָיו דְּבָרִים יְסַפְּרֵם לְשֶׁבַח וְיָחוּס עַל כְּבוֹדוֹ וְלֹא יִתְכַּבֵּד בִּקְלוֹנוֹ, וּכְמוֹ שֶׁאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (ירושלמי חגיגה פ"ב ה"א) הַמִּתְכַּבֵּד בִּקְלוֹן חֲבֵרוֹ אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא, וְהַמִּתְנַהֵג עִם חֲבֵרוֹ דֶּרֶךְ אַהֲבָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת וּמְבַקֵּשׁ תּוֹעַלְתָּם וְשָׂמֵחַ בְּטוּבָם עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר (ישעיהו מט ג): יִשְׂרָאֵל אֲשֶׁר בְּךָ אֶתְפָּאָר